To read the good stuff, click here. Otherwise, it’s story time.

I was at the shore last week and I happened to find a beached whale. So, steward as I am, I lifted that blubbery mass onto my back and carried it all the way to the hospital. Now, the first thing they did was drive it back to the ocean on a gigantic truck, but, I mean, I did something. And ladies, I know what you’re thinking. How did that young lad in the fresh blazer lift such a fat animal?

Now, believe it or not, I’m ripped. You’ve never seen anyone as muscular as me. And you want to know a secret? I’ve never seen the inside of a gym. This seven pack (yes, I’m so muscular I have another ab) is not from crunches. It’s from laughing. At the upside-down, inside-out world. If you want to be as buff as I am, you’ve come to the right place. Don’t hate, people, and don’t do sit-ups either. I’m here to help you get buff. All you have to do is read.