How To Get Girls

Psyche! That was just clickbait. And guess what? I have a view counter on this thing, so I can see exactly how many people read it. And I’ll bet if I did a bit of hacking I could see exactly who reads it. I’m lookin’ at you, Fredo.

So, you may be wondering, what the hell is this post actually about? It’s a story. If you wish to do a reenactment of it later, here’s what you’ll need:

  • One cookie tray.
  • One faucet.
  • One freezer.
  • One hand.
  • Actually, two hands. who am I kidding, I’m not that good.
  • One bag of ice cubes.
  • Red food coloring.

So, I was working on an art project. I took a cookie tray and filled it up with water, which I dyed red. Deep red. One might say…blood red. Anyway, I had my cookie tray, and I was arranging some ice on it. Into a chair. For an art project.

Now, if you’ve ever tried to arrange ice cubes on a much bigger sheet of ice, you would know that it sucks. They start figure skating all over the place, and eventually, the whole thing starts to melt. So there I was, playing with my inanimate figure skaters, watching them slide all over the place, when I noticed something strange.

There were drops of red fluid on the surface of the ice.

Now, sometimes, when I’m tired, I get as dumb as a block of cheese. So I looked at the ceiling. Hopefully no more than one or two of you have ever been to my house. Hopefully. If you have, you’d know that the bathroom is right above the kitchen. But of course, there wasn’t any red liquid dripping from my bathroom. I decided that they were just blotches of red food coloring, and got back to my project.

But not five minutes later, there was more red crap. And this time, it was on the ice cubes. Confused, but also exhausted, I sat there on my chair, and stared at the red blotches all over my beautiful project.

And then, I looked at my hand. It was as red as my face was with anger when I realized that my fingers, along with my entire project, were covered in blood from a cut on my nuckle.

This is a humor blog, right? So why the hell is Ben writing a freakin’ horror story? Well guess what. You’re the one who clicked on this post when you saw the damn title. By the way, here’s how to get girls: wear fingerless gloves. Trust me.

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One thought on “How To Get Girls

  1. I don’t know how I found this but this was the best ever! I loved this book though. I think the whole series is dumb as shit, but out of all the books I loved this one. I guess because it’s so fucked up. And I actually cried at some point. I think I’m overly emonoital, but since I’ve gave birth to a child that almost killed me… I can relate? Haha, no. I’m kidding, of course. Well, about the relating at least.I really want to see how the other two movies turn out even though I know they will suck major balls.

    Like

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