How to Succeed at Bizness

This is a five step guide which, if followed precisely, will put you at the top of any market you desire. Thank me later.


Step 1: Choose Your Market

Before you can start making money, you have to decide who’s money you’re gonna make. What are your talents? What are your passions? Here are some ideas:

  • Adult pacifiers
  • Sparkly phone cases
  • Jewelry for dogs
  • Adult diapers
  • Headphones. Believe me. People love headphones.

Once you’ve chosen you’re market, you’re ready for the next step.


Step 2: Buy a Suit

Dress for success, people. Nobody has ever walked into an important business meeting in a t-shirt and jeans. If you’re gonna get somewhere in today’s economy, you have to look nice. Look up Bill Gates on Google. See any pictures of him not wearing a suit? Well, there’s the one of him in the sweater, but…goddamnit you see my point, right?


Step 3: Make a Shady Deal with a Malaysian Businessman

In every business deal, there’s a shady Malaysian businessman. That’s just how it is. If you don’t speak Malay, you can sign up for classes at your local community college. If they know anything about business, they’ll have a course. Anyway, trust me. Shady Malaysian businessmen are the people behind our American economy. In fact, in my first big business deal…oh, okay. I just got a call from my lawyer, he said I’m not to discuss it.


Step 4: Start Selling Stuff

Yeah, if you ask me, this one’s pretty self explanatory. Your deal with the Malaysian businessman ought to cover all this stuff, so I’ll just move on, if you don’t mind.


Step 5: Now That You’re Rich, Buy Useless Crap

Congratulations! You have succeeded at becoming a millionaire. But what are you gonna do with all your money…What’s that you say? Donate it to charity? What are you, stupid? See, this is why you fools don’t succeed, and I’m the one teaching you the lessons. Anyway, maybe a tiger? Or a flying porpoise? The world is your oyster, baby.

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