How To Be Cynical

Ever been to the supermarket, seen something on a shelf, and wondered to yourself, “Who the hell would buy that piece of crap? I mean, it’s orange juice with no pulp. Who drinks that stuff? It’s like…orange water. Orange water, that tastes a tiny little bit like oranges. But there’s no pulp, so what’s the point?! And what about this, a plastic frisbee hanging in the candy aisle? That thing is gonna shatter into pieces after thirty seconds, when you unfortunately miss your aim, and hit a soap bubble, which just so happens to be more durable than the frisbee. You know, I am only fourteen, but I honestly have no idea how supermarkets make money. They buy boxes upon boxes and bags upon bags of food, along with a few plastic frisbees, and somehow turn a profit. What about when the milk goes bad?”

If you’ve wondered that, then you’re like me. A dedicated citizen of the world, concerned for the health of the global economy. You know who’s getting the short end of the baguette, here? Bakeries. They have those little fako ones inside supermarkets now. I wonder how much business that takes away from the legit small businesses that have been running for hundreds of years. And not just bakeries. Also delis. And homemade noodle shops.

It brings tears to my eyes, ya know? All I wish for our beautiful earth is for everyone to be happy, healthy and free. There’s definitely no bias here. I mean, of course, I own an anti-supermarket merchandise shop on the corner of Conflict and Ofinterest. But no, I’m just trying to take a negative stance against something that millions of people depend upon in their everyday lives. How truly American. Hey look! I just insulted an entire nation! Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all night.

 

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