Three Year Old Boy Robbed at Gunpoint

At a park downtown, a three year old boy was mugged at gunpoint while his mother picked up their dog’s deuce. His assailant took a lollipop and a toy truck.

When asked about his mugging, young Patrick’s shocking response was to ask “Can I have ice cream?”

“This is ridiculous! Our children should be able to walk through the streets of their own neighborhood without having to worry about getting mugged!” said Shirley Soccermom, Patrick’s mother. “Next thing you know, they’ll be taking white tennis shoes from our senior citizens!”

This is not the first child mugging to occur in Chattanooga, Tennessee. Last week, an eight year old girl was dragged into an alley. The man took her flip flops, then sprinted to a getaway car, which was described as a white and green Smart Car. The same two-passenger vehicle was seen at a corner three blocks South, where the man again appeared and robbed a newborn baby of his pacifier.

“We must be cautious. Keep your children inside, and double lock the front door. This is a dangerous time,” the mayor told The Daily Urinal reporter Jim Neuter. “Call 911 immediately if you see a green and white Smart Car.”

Chattanooga is not the only city having problems with child muggings. Similar incidents have occurred in San Francisco and Philadelphia, along with New York City. All we can do to protect our children is to hope that this ignorant villain will be subdued.

“After all, our children are our future. The last thing we need is for them to be walking home barefoot and crying. It just makes the afternoon that much harder.”

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