When you get to middle school, it can really feel like another planet. It’s a lot of screaming kids who won’t shut up, and a lot of screaming teachers yelling at their least favorite kids. Here’s a guide on a couple types of kids you will meet in middle school. I’ll let you know who to avoid, and who to also avoid.
Jake Carson: (Sensitive Jock) goofs off in class, screws up every test, and only likes kids who like him. Mini Jakes, I call them. They walk, talk and act like Jake. I recently found the source of his popularity. A girl in my grade’s grandma died from choking on a grape two weeks ago, and I overheard a conversation she had with Jake. Here is how it went.
“I know what you’re going through.” Jake says. “My cat had to go to the vet last year because…(starts to cry) he had an infection on his leg. But don’t worry, the little furball came through and made it.”
He says this the whole time with tears coming down his face. I mean, he just compared his barely infected not dead cat, with the poor girl’s dead grandma. The weird part was, the girl was appreciative. She acted like Jake was Channing Tatum or something, like it’s okay that her grandma is dead because there’s Jake in her life. So I guess this is where his popularity comes from? I mean he’s a jock who likes his cat. Sounds like the perfect kid.
Okay, a big thing you got to look out for in middle school, is the hair kids. People are crazy about these guys. And I don’t just mean their little girlfriends, I mean every single person. Even the teachers cannot resist their perfectly done hair. I know, it’s weird. Here is the best example I can think of.
Kenny Cuddel: (Barbie boy) I swear this kid is a barbie doll. I could break my hand on this kids hair. I think in the mornings, he must dump two or three bottles of hair product on his head. No joke. Kenny spends at least four hours in front of the mirror every morning, and it pays off. Kenny is adored by everyone. He has never gotten a question on a test right, but he still has straight A’s. I always thought that Kenny has magical hair that manipulates the teacher into giving him good grades, and I wouldn’t be surprised if that wasn’t true. My peer Barbina, recently started dating Kenny and almost got her eyes ripped out by three other girls who also liked him. Anyway, I was curious what Barbina saw in him so I decided I would try and ask her. Here’s how the conversation went down.
“Barbina…eh…hmmm, I kn-know we’re not really…uhh, fr-fr-friends or anything like that, but…I was just wondering…what it is…hmmm exactly that you see in…ummm Kenny exactly.” I said awkwardly. Her answer is the only thing you need to know about her.
Barbina: (Airhead) “Kenny?” She asked, even though she knew what I said. “Omg isn’t he just the cutest thing?!?!”
“Uhh, yeah I guess so.”
“But I’ll tell you the real reason I love him so much. It’s… his… HAIR!!!!! Omg Omg Omg!! Omg but you have to admit it is sooo beautiful!!! Don’t you just want to eat it up?!?”
“Uh-uh sure yeah Bar-Barbina.” Kenny is the seventh or eighth guy that Barbina has dated this week and it’s getting really hard to tell them all apart.
Ok so I’ve talked a lot about the kids that people seem to idolize, now I can talk about the kids who people really seem to hate, teachers included.
Benjamin Falkenberg: (Rabbi Falkenberg) This is the curly haired boy, who sits in the corner every lunch with his bagel studying for a test. I’m sure you’ve seen him before. He never shuts up in class, his worst grade was 98% and Yale is his backup college. Unfortunately, for Binyamin, the teachers really hate him. I think it’s because he’s knows everything and won’t really give other kids a chance to learn, but you gotta give him credit. So while Kenny and Jake are wrestling in halls like maniacs, Binyamin and his one friend, Arnold Lee probably arguing over who will go to a better college. If you go near these study freak types, you’re most likely going to get wrapped up in their academic life, so just try to stay away.
In every middle school, there is that one person, who is just so incredibly weird beyond your belief. So much so, that they won’t even get bullied. That is Norma.
Norma Bonnett (???) I don’t really know what to think of this girl. Every time I see her she’s chewing on a rock or something weird like that. I’ve never actually held a conversation with her so I don’t know her that well. I sometimes feel bad for her, because I don’t really think she has friends, although she enjoys playing with the squirrels. Norma reminds me of a disney princess without the beauty and charm. In Cinderella, it’s funny and cute when she interacts with the mice, but then, when a real person is actually talking with mice, it just comes off a little creepy. You will come across a Norma type in middle school, so avoid her if you don’t want to be creeped out, but personally, I’m kind of fascinated by her. A little?
The last person I’ll talk about is my least favorite. Something about her pisses me off, and in middle school, there are a lot of these people.
Stephanie Beaty (Alaska) I call this girl Alaska because I am referencing a book, Looking For Alaska written by John Green. The main character is a teenager Alaska. She is very mysterious and you don’t know that much about her life, but drinks a lot of wine. I honestly feel like Alaska is every middle schoolers role model. Even the boys. Stephanie is a perfect example. She acts like she has this dark life, and that everything about her is complicated. In reality, she’s just a rich white girl with plenty of white friends and snobby parents. She has it pretty good. So I get annoyed when she acts shy and insecure around other people, in order to make them more curious about her. All she wants is to soak up all the attention with her fake mysteries. In fifth grade, I was at my friend Johnny’s birthday party, and Stephanie was there the whole time crying softly in the corner because her pet mouse died. It sucked for Johnny, but like I said, this is how half of middle schoolers act.
Some might say that middle school life can be a real downer. It can. However, if you look hard enough, you can find some good ones. Keep an eye out for my Middle School Travel Guide Edition 1.2, where I’ll talk about some halfway decent kids. If you enjoy middle school, let me know. I would love to hear all about it. In the meantime, study up on all the different people I talked about. You’ll thank me later.