For lack of inspiration, I have turned to my trusted survey for some help. After scrolling through a couple extremely offensive comments (just what a man wants to see on a Saturday morning), I came across only one legitimate suggestion: “Write about killer orangutans.”
To do this, we have to look back at all of the popular stuff made concerning violent orangutans, monkeys and gorillas:
- King Kong
- Rise of the Planet of the Apes
- That game that was popular for a couple years, the one where you’re running through the old rocks and stuff…Temple Run. God, I should give that thing another try.
And now, after an hour or two of Temple Run, I’m back. Where was I? Oh, yes, bloodthirsty monkeys. It seems to be a pretty popular concept, doesn’t it? I mean, all I remember about Rise of the Planet of the Apes is that there’s a gorilla with a bazooka. That can’t be safe. Imagine you’re on your way to work one day, and you see a gorilla with a bazooka. And I’ve never seen it, but I feel pretty confident that one of the gorilla lords falls in love with a human being? If it was my movie, that’s what I’d do. But they’d just be dating for fun, nothing serious, go bowling once or twice, stuff like that.
How do you cast a movie like that? Banana Boy, you’re playing the ape king. Harambe, congratulations, you’re the second in command of the ape army. Jennifer Lawrence, you’re the girl Banana Boy falls in love with. Filming begins deep in the Brazilian rain forest tomorrow at 6:00 PM. Here are your unnacompanied ape first class tickets. Jennifer, you’ll be flying economy class. The airline said we’d have to to pay for all the first class seats if we were gonna fly the boys. There’s no room for you. You’re on the aisle. Live with it.