DJ: What eighty-seven percent of American teenagers think they’re gonna be when they grow up. It’s right up there next to makeup artist, soccer player, and humorist. Yep, that many American kids are sitting at their laptops in their basements making noises like “whacca-whacca” and “boom-clap,” and saying things like “dayum, mayun, this stuff is firrre,” and “Mom! We need more Gatorade. I drank the whole dayum six-pack in three sips.”
I once knew a kid who’s name I can’t tell you. But I can tell you the name he called himself at ten o’clock at night in a crowded tent last summer. In his subconscious, he dubbed himself DJ Savage, world-renowned disk jockey and internet vlogger. And holy smokes, that kid talked a lot about, well, smoke. In his sleep, the twelve-year-old DJ Savage told my friend and me about how many pounds of weed he smoked last week, and how when he was little, he shot his mom in her face cause she forgot to cut the crust off of his sandwich. You may be wondering “Ben, are you sure he wasn’t awake, and just pretending to be sleep talking to get a laugh?” No, the kid was asleep. I checked by saying that Pokemon is lame. If he was awake, he would’ve probably done to me what he did to his mom.
And I’m not done. He then proceeded to…wait for it…freestyle rap. In his sleep. And let me tell you, I’ve heard a lot of messed up stuff. A lot. But never in my life have I heard anything more messed up than his subconscious freestyle. A lot of it was hard to decipher, but a few sentences were clear, and most of them consisted only of words such as the F-word, the N-word, the A-word, the D-word, the C-word, the other F-word, and the Z-word. What’s the Z-word? I’m pretty sure it was a made-up word, but it sounded so unbelievably dirty that I automatically assumed that it was a swear. That’s how messed up his freestyle was.
I pray every night before I go to sleep that I don’t wake up in the morning and discover that DJ Savage is real, 13 years of age, and looking for revenge for what I did next: I slapped him. Hard. The end.