Usually, when I need bread, I go to the market and buy some. However, this is often expensive. When it comes to bread, it’s sometimes better to just go simple and make it yourself. Here are the steps necessary for making a good loaf of bread.

  1. Find a place with adequate soil and full sunlight. A good place to look is Northern Italy.
  2. Get some wheat seeds. It’s often easier to buy seeds, but I recommend getting your own. Go find a meadow, and selectively breed some grasses until you’re satisfied with the result. The finished product should be tall and yellow.
  3. Buy mules.
  4. Feed your mules. Go back to the meadow where you found that grass, and feed your animals. It’s important to keep your mules happy, or they might not plow your field.
  5. Now you’re ready to plow your field. Hook your mules up to a little cart with some rakes dragging behind it, and make them walk. If you want to look cool, you can even build a little chariot for yourself, and you can stand there and play on your phone while your mules plow your land.
  6. Find some farmers for hire. Farmers can be found on craigslist, as well as in New England.
  7. Plant your wheat! For best result, plant some winter wheat six to eight weeks before the soil freezes.
  8. Wait a while. While you wait, it’s important that you sleep and eat. For breakfasts, I recommend toast and butter. For lunch, a sandwich will suffice, and for dinner, perhaps some steak with a buttered baguette.
  9. Build a barn. This is important for storing ingredients come harvest. Some nice colors for barns are red, white and, on occasion, light green.
  10. Reap what you sow! When harvest season finally arrives, get your farmers out on the field, and pick that wheat! Place it in your barn.
  11. Grind the wheat. The finished product should be a white powder. Make sure you supervise this process – farmers often get lazy when it comes to the mortar and pestle.
  12. Buy some cows. This is essential for butter. Nice cows are brown and white or black and white. If your cows have stripes you’ve done something wrong.
  13. Milk your cows. Make sure their udders don’t get infected!
  14. Make butter. This is a simple process that everyone understands. If you’re unfamiliar with the process of making butter, learn that first, then come back.
  15. Now comes the fun part. Make a trip to Brazil, and find some sugarcane. Good sugarcane is either green or brown. It usually looks like a plant.
  16. Extract the syrup from the sugarcane. This is easily done by simply chewing the sticks until something sweet comes out. Put this in a bucket.
  17. Find a salt mine and get some salt. Salt mines can be found in the Midwest United States.
  18. Mix it all in a bowl. If you aren’t sure what a bowl looks like, you can find some pictures of bowls here. 
  19. Build an oven, and put the bread inside it. If you can’t figure out how to heat it up, another option is breathing on the bread until it bakes.
  20. Et voila! There’s your bread! Make sure you don’t share it with the farmers. When you’re done with your cows, they can usually be traded for some magic beans. Mules are needed on the cast of Shrek. However, the field and barn are just racking up taxes you don’t need, so it’s often a good idea to blow it all up so that there’s no land anymore.

If the result isn’t satisfactory, it’s probably because you didn’t add the yeast. Yeast is super important. If you aren’t familiar with yeast, it’s basic chemical principals, and where and how to acquire yeast, please learn that and then redo these steps. You act as if it’s my fault, but any good baker knows you can’t make bread without yeast.

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