How to Get to School

Getting to school in the morning can be a hassle. Waking up, realizing you’ve slept through your alarm, and rushing to the bus stop, only to realize that it’s a Tuesday? We’ve all been there. Then walking home, going back to sleep, and waking up an hour later only to realize that there is school on Tuesdays, and that you’re just stupid? Let’s none of us pretend like that’s never happened.

So how does one do it? How does one successfully pick themselves up in the morning and (in order) eat breakfast, take a shower, brush one’s teeth, lock the front door, walk to the bus stop, get on the bus, arrive at school, put on clothes, and head to first period? I’m not going to pretend I have all the answers, I’m nothing special. But I do have a few useful strategies.

Strategy 1: Hot Air Balloon
If you haven’t heard of the good old Hot Air Balloon trick, I don’t know what planet you’ve been living on for the past decade. The Hot Air Balloon is a hoodwink popular in California and Kansas, and parts of southern India. For this trick, you will need a pair of scissors, a candy bar, and a hot air balloon. Here’s how it’s done: when you wake up late, take your sweet time getting ready for school; for this trick, the more time you waste, the better it will work. Once you’re prepared, grab your scissors and hop in your hot air balloon. Fly above one of the clearest areas on campus, preferably in an area where lots of people will be able to watch your landing. When you’re ready, cut a hole in your balloon, and slowly begin your descent. During this time, it’s important that you stay locked in eye contact with someone on the ground; preferably a teacher. This will assure that you’re given recognition when it is reported to the office. Once you’ve reached an altitude of 100 feet, give or take, jump out of your balloon. Trust me, you’ll be fine. When you land, you’ll likely be taken to a nearby hospital. Most schools’ policies on being late excuse only two things: medical and family emergencies (we’ll be taking advantage of family emergencies in Strategy 2).
Note: if this trick didn’t work, it’s probably because you forgot the candy bar. Next time, remember the candy bar. It’s very important.

Strategy 2: The Butler Did It
The Butler Did It proves an easy alternative to the Hot Air Balloon, if you’re afraid of flying or heights. To perform The Butler Did It, you will need three things: a family member, a weapon of your choosing, and one of your butlers. If you don’t have a favorite weapon, I recommend style. After all, looks can kill. Exhibit A: your’s truly. If you don’t have a family member, please refer to the official documentation for some alternatives. If you don’t have a butler…who am I kidding? Everyone has a butler. Anyway, there are multiple styles to this trick, but the simplest path is to just to brutally murder your family member, and blame it on the butler. Teachers will simply eat this up, and you’ll be the talk of the town for weeks. You might even make national news if you’re lucky!
Note: Ben de Plume or any of his employees cannot be held responsible for the death of any animals within the borders of Kansas City.

Strategy 3: Just, Like, Show Up Late
This is the most likely solution to waking up late and not knowing how you’re going to make it to school on time. If you show up late, worst case scenario, you burn in hell for your sins. There’s really no shame in it. It also tends to be the case that if you are late for school, you can pretend that you went to the wrong school by accident, and that you sat in a math class across town for twenty minutes before realizing it.

I hope you’ve enjoyed these tips and tricks. Stay tuned for more amazing life hax by Ben de Plume.


One thought on “How to Get to School

  1. Carroll Botvinick

    Option 4 -tell them you stayed home to write an important missive demanded by your many followers … 27th was a Tuesday after all.


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