How To Be Cynical

Ever been to the supermarket, seen something on a shelf, and wondered to yourself, “Who the hell would buy that piece of crap? I mean, it’s orange juice with no pulp. Who drinks that stuff? It’s like…orange water. Orange water, that tastes a tiny little bit like oranges. But there’s no pulp, so what’s the point?! And what about this, a plastic frisbee hanging in the candy aisle? That thing is gonna shatter into pieces after thirty seconds, when you unfortunately miss your aim, and hit a soap bubble, which just so happens to be more durable than the frisbee. You know, I am only fourteen, but I honestly have no idea how supermarkets make money. They buy boxes upon boxes and bags upon bags of food, along with a few plastic frisbees, and somehow turn a profit. What about when the milk goes bad?”

If you’ve wondered that, then you’re like me. A dedicated citizen of the world, concerned for the health of the global economy. You know who’s getting the short end of the baguette, here? Bakeries. They have those little fako ones inside supermarkets now. I wonder how much business that takes away from the legit small businesses that have been running for hundreds of years. And not just bakeries. Also delis. And homemade noodle shops.

It brings tears to my eyes, ya know? All I wish for our beautiful earth is for everyone to be happy, healthy and free. There’s definitely no bias here. I mean, of course, I own an anti-supermarket merchandise shop on the corner of Conflict and Ofinterest. But no, I’m just trying to take a negative stance against something that millions of people depend upon in their everyday lives. How truly American. Hey look! I just insulted an entire nation! Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all night.

 

Advertisements

How To Kill Writer’s Block

What do you do when you have absolutely no idea what to write? I know what I do. I mean, everyone has a different strategy, but mine is undeniably the best. ever.

  1. Get bowl of vanilla ice cream
  2. Get some chocolate chips from basement
  3. Put chocolate chips on vanilla ice cream
  4. Watch Teen Wolf until eyes turn red

Yep, there’s no better way to spark my comedic creativity than to watch a horror show about a teenage boy who periodically turns into a werewolf. Then again, one of my friends has a different strategy:

  1. Start eating chips

And that’s it. Yeah, he has a pretty fast metabolism. Or does he? Come to think of it…oh my god, Fredo, how much do you weigh nowadays? Jesus christ, man! You need to stop with the chips! I mean, at least get that kind with less calories?

Well you may be thinking, “Ben, those are great strategies. I mean, great strategies. But wouldn’t a better one be to get some other work done?” Hell no. Work? Are you trying to build a twenty foot wall between your head and your pencil? The point of the strategies is to spark your creativity. What better way to do that than eating, and watching stuff, and eating more stuff?

Well, look. If you’re not going to take my advice, take any great writer’s advice. Shakespeare’s, for example. When he could think of a good line, what do you think he did? I can tell you, he didn’t do homework. Now, if I’m not mistaken, this question can be answered in your everyday encyclop…why yes…here it is! The book reads, “When facing writer’s block, Shakespeare would often retire to his study, where he would sit in a nice chair and draw pictures of cats.”

Well then. Anyway, in the interest of not contradicting myself, I’ll just say it once more. Everyone has their own strategy.

How to Succeed at Bizness

This is a five step guide which, if followed precisely, will put you at the top of any market you desire. Thank me later.


Step 1: Choose Your Market

Before you can start making money, you have to decide who’s money you’re gonna make. What are your talents? What are your passions? Here are some ideas:

  • Adult pacifiers
  • Sparkly phone cases
  • Jewelry for dogs
  • Adult diapers
  • Headphones. Believe me. People love headphones.

Once you’ve chosen you’re market, you’re ready for the next step.


Step 2: Buy a Suit

Dress for success, people. Nobody has ever walked into an important business meeting in a t-shirt and jeans. If you’re gonna get somewhere in today’s economy, you have to look nice. Look up Bill Gates on Google. See any pictures of him not wearing a suit? Well, there’s the one of him in the sweater, but…goddamnit you see my point, right?


Step 3: Make a Shady Deal with a Malaysian Businessman

In every business deal, there’s a shady Malaysian businessman. That’s just how it is. If you don’t speak Malay, you can sign up for classes at your local community college. If they know anything about business, they’ll have a course. Anyway, trust me. Shady Malaysian businessmen are the people behind our American economy. In fact, in my first big business deal…oh, okay. I just got a call from my lawyer, he said I’m not to discuss it.


Step 4: Start Selling Stuff

Yeah, if you ask me, this one’s pretty self explanatory. Your deal with the Malaysian businessman ought to cover all this stuff, so I’ll just move on, if you don’t mind.


Step 5: Now That You’re Rich, Buy Useless Crap

Congratulations! You have succeeded at becoming a millionaire. But what are you gonna do with all your money…What’s that you say? Donate it to charity? What are you, stupid? See, this is why you fools don’t succeed, and I’m the one teaching you the lessons. Anyway, maybe a tiger? Or a flying porpoise? The world is your oyster, baby.

How To Get Girls

Psyche! That was just clickbait. And guess what? I have a view counter on this thing, so I can see exactly how many people read it. And I’ll bet if I did a bit of hacking I could see exactly who reads it. I’m lookin’ at you, Fredo.

So, you may be wondering, what the hell is this post actually about? It’s a story. If you wish to do a reenactment of it later, here’s what you’ll need:

  • One cookie tray.
  • One faucet.
  • One freezer.
  • One hand.
  • Actually, two hands. who am I kidding, I’m not that good.
  • One bag of ice cubes.
  • Red food coloring.

So, I was working on an art project. I took a cookie tray and filled it up with water, which I dyed red. Deep red. One might say…blood red. Anyway, I had my cookie tray, and I was arranging some ice on it. Into a chair. For an art project.

Now, if you’ve ever tried to arrange ice cubes on a much bigger sheet of ice, you would know that it sucks. They start figure skating all over the place, and eventually, the whole thing starts to melt. So there I was, playing with my inanimate figure skaters, watching them slide all over the place, when I noticed something strange.

There were drops of red fluid on the surface of the ice.

Now, sometimes, when I’m tired, I get as dumb as a block of cheese. So I looked at the ceiling. Hopefully no more than one or two of you have ever been to my house. Hopefully. If you have, you’d know that the bathroom is right above the kitchen. But of course, there wasn’t any red liquid dripping from my bathroom. I decided that they were just blotches of red food coloring, and got back to my project.

But not five minutes later, there was more red crap. And this time, it was on the ice cubes. Confused, but also exhausted, I sat there on my chair, and stared at the red blotches all over my beautiful project.

And then, I looked at my hand. It was as red as my face was with anger when I realized that my fingers, along with my entire project, were covered in blood from a cut on my nuckle.

This is a humor blog, right? So why the hell is Ben writing a freakin’ horror story? Well guess what. You’re the one who clicked on this post when you saw the damn title. By the way, here’s how to get girls: wear fingerless gloves. Trust me.