How to Get to School

Getting to school in the morning can be a hassle. Waking up, realizing you’ve slept through your alarm, and rushing to the bus stop, only to realize that it’s a Tuesday? We’ve all been there. Then walking home, going back to sleep, and waking up an hour later only to realize that there is school on Tuesdays, and that you’re just stupid? Let’s none of us pretend like that’s never happened.

So how does one do it? How does one successfully pick themselves up in the morning and (in order) eat breakfast, take a shower, brush one’s teeth, lock the front door, walk to the bus stop, get on the bus, arrive at school, put on clothes, and head to first period? I’m not going to pretend I have all the answers, I’m nothing special. But I do have a few useful strategies.

Strategy 1: Hot Air Balloon
If you haven’t heard of the good old Hot Air Balloon trick, I don’t know what planet you’ve been living on for the past decade. The Hot Air Balloon is a hoodwink popular in California and Kansas, and parts of southern India. For this trick, you will need a pair of scissors, a candy bar, and a hot air balloon. Here’s how it’s done: when you wake up late, take your sweet time getting ready for school; for this trick, the more time you waste, the better it will work. Once you’re prepared, grab your scissors and hop in your hot air balloon. Fly above one of the clearest areas on campus, preferably in an area where lots of people will be able to watch your landing. When you’re ready, cut a hole in your balloon, and slowly begin your descent. During this time, it’s important that you stay locked in eye contact with someone on the ground; preferably a teacher. This will assure that you’re given recognition when it is reported to the office. Once you’ve reached an altitude of 100 feet, give or take, jump out of your balloon. Trust me, you’ll be fine. When you land, you’ll likely be taken to a nearby hospital. Most schools’ policies on being late excuse only two things: medical and family emergencies (we’ll be taking advantage of family emergencies in Strategy 2).
Note: if this trick didn’t work, it’s probably because you forgot the candy bar. Next time, remember the candy bar. It’s very important.

Strategy 2: The Butler Did It
The Butler Did It proves an easy alternative to the Hot Air Balloon, if you’re afraid of flying or heights. To perform The Butler Did It, you will need three things: a family member, a weapon of your choosing, and one of your butlers. If you don’t have a favorite weapon, I recommend style. After all, looks can kill. Exhibit A: your’s truly. If you don’t have a family member, please refer to the official documentation for some alternatives. If you don’t have a butler…who am I kidding? Everyone has a butler. Anyway, there are multiple styles to this trick, but the simplest path is to just to brutally murder your family member, and blame it on the butler. Teachers will simply eat this up, and you’ll be the talk of the town for weeks. You might even make national news if you’re lucky!
Note: Ben de Plume or any of his employees cannot be held responsible for the death of any animals within the borders of Kansas City.

Strategy 3: Just, Like, Show Up Late
This is the most likely solution to waking up late and not knowing how you’re going to make it to school on time. If you show up late, worst case scenario, you burn in hell for your sins. There’s really no shame in it. It also tends to be the case that if you are late for school, you can pretend that you went to the wrong school by accident, and that you sat in a math class across town for twenty minutes before realizing it.

I hope you’ve enjoyed these tips and tricks. Stay tuned for more amazing life hax by Ben de Plume.


How to Make Bread

Usually, when I need bread, I go to the market and buy some. However, this is often expensive. When it comes to bread, it’s sometimes better to just go simple and make it yourself. Here are the steps necessary for making a good loaf of bread.

  1. Find a place with adequate soil and full sunlight. A good place to look is Northern Italy.
  2. Get some wheat seeds. It’s often easier to buy seeds, but I recommend getting your own. Go find a meadow, and selectively breed some grasses until you’re satisfied with the result. The finished product should be tall and yellow.
  3. Buy mules.
  4. Feed your mules. Go back to the meadow where you found that grass, and feed your animals. It’s important to keep your mules happy, or they might not plow your field.
  5. Now you’re ready to plow your field. Hook your mules up to a little cart with some rakes dragging behind it, and make them walk. If you want to look cool, you can even build a little chariot for yourself, and you can stand there and play on your phone while your mules plow your land.
  6. Find some farmers for hire. Farmers can be found on craigslist, as well as in New England.
  7. Plant your wheat! For best result, plant some winter wheat six to eight weeks before the soil freezes.
  8. Wait a while. While you wait, it’s important that you sleep and eat. For breakfasts, I recommend toast and butter. For lunch, a sandwich will suffice, and for dinner, perhaps some steak with a buttered baguette.
  9. Build a barn. This is important for storing ingredients come harvest. Some nice colors for barns are red, white and, on occasion, light green.
  10. Reap what you sow! When harvest season finally arrives, get your farmers out on the field, and pick that wheat! Place it in your barn.
  11. Grind the wheat. The finished product should be a white powder. Make sure you supervise this process – farmers often get lazy when it comes to the mortar and pestle.
  12. Buy some cows. This is essential for butter. Nice cows are brown and white or black and white. If your cows have stripes you’ve done something wrong.
  13. Milk your cows. Make sure their udders don’t get infected!
  14. Make butter. This is a simple process that everyone understands. If you’re unfamiliar with the process of making butter, learn that first, then come back.
  15. Now comes the fun part. Make a trip to Brazil, and find some sugarcane. Good sugarcane is either green or brown. It usually looks like a plant.
  16. Extract the syrup from the sugarcane. This is easily done by simply chewing the sticks until something sweet comes out. Put this in a bucket.
  17. Find a salt mine and get some salt. Salt mines can be found in the Midwest United States.
  18. Mix it all in a bowl. If you aren’t sure what a bowl looks like, you can find some pictures of bowls here. 
  19. Build an oven, and put the bread inside it. If you can’t figure out how to heat it up, another option is breathing on the bread until it bakes.
  20. Et voila! There’s your bread! Make sure you don’t share it with the farmers. When you’re done with your cows, they can usually be traded for some magic beans. Mules are needed on the cast of Shrek. However, the field and barn are just racking up taxes you don’t need, so it’s often a good idea to blow it all up so that there’s no land anymore.

If the result isn’t satisfactory, it’s probably because you didn’t add the yeast. Yeast is super important. If you aren’t familiar with yeast, it’s basic chemical principals, and where and how to acquire yeast, please learn that and then redo these steps. You act as if it’s my fault, but any good baker knows you can’t make bread without yeast.

How To Be Cynical

Ever been to the supermarket, seen something on a shelf, and wondered to yourself, “Who the hell would buy that piece of crap? I mean, it’s orange juice with no pulp. Who drinks that stuff? It’s like…orange water. Orange water, that tastes a tiny little bit like oranges. But there’s no pulp, so what’s the point?! And what about this, a plastic frisbee hanging in the candy aisle? That thing is gonna shatter into pieces after thirty seconds, when you unfortunately miss your aim, and hit a soap bubble, which just so happens to be more durable than the frisbee. You know, I am only fourteen, but I honestly have no idea how supermarkets make money. They buy boxes upon boxes and bags upon bags of food, along with a few plastic frisbees, and somehow turn a profit. What about when the milk goes bad?”

If you’ve wondered that, then you’re like me. A dedicated citizen of the world, concerned for the health of the global economy. You know who’s getting the short end of the baguette, here? Bakeries. They have those little fako ones inside supermarkets now. I wonder how much business that takes away from the legit small businesses that have been running for hundreds of years. And not just bakeries. Also delis. And homemade noodle shops.

It brings tears to my eyes, ya know? All I wish for our beautiful earth is for everyone to be happy, healthy and free. There’s definitely no bias here. I mean, of course, I own an anti-supermarket merchandise shop on the corner of Conflict and Ofinterest. But no, I’m just trying to take a negative stance against something that millions of people depend upon in their everyday lives. How truly American. Hey look! I just insulted an entire nation! Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all night.


How To Kill Writer’s Block

What do you do when you have absolutely no idea what to write? I know what I do. I mean, everyone has a different strategy, but mine is undeniably the best. ever.

  1. Get bowl of vanilla ice cream
  2. Get some chocolate chips from basement
  3. Put chocolate chips on vanilla ice cream
  4. Watch Teen Wolf until eyes turn red

Yep, there’s no better way to spark my comedic creativity than to watch a horror show about a teenage boy who periodically turns into a werewolf. Then again, one of my friends has a different strategy:

  1. Start eating chips

And that’s it. Yeah, he has a pretty fast metabolism. Or does he? Come to think of it…oh my god, Fredo, how much do you weigh nowadays? Jesus christ, man! You need to stop with the chips! I mean, at least get that kind with less calories?

Well you may be thinking, “Ben, those are great strategies. I mean, great strategies. But wouldn’t a better one be to get some other work done?” Hell no. Work? Are you trying to build a twenty foot wall between your head and your pencil? The point of the strategies is to spark your creativity. What better way to do that than eating, and watching stuff, and eating more stuff?

Well, look. If you’re not going to take my advice, take any great writer’s advice. Shakespeare’s, for example. When he could think of a good line, what do you think he did? I can tell you, he didn’t do homework. Now, if I’m not mistaken, this question can be answered in your everyday encyclop…why yes…here it is! The book reads, “When facing writer’s block, Shakespeare would often retire to his study, where he would sit in a nice chair and draw pictures of cats.”

Well then. Anyway, in the interest of not contradicting myself, I’ll just say it once more. Everyone has their own strategy.

How to Succeed at Bizness

This is a five step guide which, if followed precisely, will put you at the top of any market you desire. Thank me later.

Step 1: Choose Your Market

Before you can start making money, you have to decide who’s money you’re gonna make. What are your talents? What are your passions? Here are some ideas:

  • Adult pacifiers
  • Sparkly phone cases
  • Jewelry for dogs
  • Adult diapers
  • Headphones. Believe me. People love headphones.

Once you’ve chosen you’re market, you’re ready for the next step.

Step 2: Buy a Suit

Dress for success, people. Nobody has ever walked into an important business meeting in a t-shirt and jeans. If you’re gonna get somewhere in today’s economy, you have to look nice. Look up Bill Gates on Google. See any pictures of him not wearing a suit? Well, there’s the one of him in the sweater, but…goddamnit you see my point, right?

Step 3: Make a Shady Deal with a Malaysian Businessman

In every business deal, there’s a shady Malaysian businessman. That’s just how it is. If you don’t speak Malay, you can sign up for classes at your local community college. If they know anything about business, they’ll have a course. Anyway, trust me. Shady Malaysian businessmen are the people behind our American economy. In fact, in my first big business deal…oh, okay. I just got a call from my lawyer, he said I’m not to discuss it.

Step 4: Start Selling Stuff

Yeah, if you ask me, this one’s pretty self explanatory. Your deal with the Malaysian businessman ought to cover all this stuff, so I’ll just move on, if you don’t mind.

Step 5: Now That You’re Rich, Buy Useless Crap

Congratulations! You have succeeded at becoming a millionaire. But what are you gonna do with all your money…What’s that you say? Donate it to charity? What are you, stupid? See, this is why you fools don’t succeed, and I’m the one teaching you the lessons. Anyway, maybe a tiger? Or a flying porpoise? The world is your oyster, baby.

How To Get Girls

Psyche! That was just clickbait. And guess what? I have a view counter on this thing, so I can see exactly how many people read it. And I’ll bet if I did a bit of hacking I could see exactly who reads it. I’m lookin’ at you, Fredo.

So, you may be wondering, what the hell is this post actually about? It’s a story. If you wish to do a reenactment of it later, here’s what you’ll need:

  • One cookie tray.
  • One faucet.
  • One freezer.
  • One hand.
  • Actually, two hands. who am I kidding, I’m not that good.
  • One bag of ice cubes.
  • Red food coloring.

So, I was working on an art project. I took a cookie tray and filled it up with water, which I dyed red. Deep red. One might say…blood red. Anyway, I had my cookie tray, and I was arranging some ice on it. Into a chair. For an art project.

Now, if you’ve ever tried to arrange ice cubes on a much bigger sheet of ice, you would know that it sucks. They start figure skating all over the place, and eventually, the whole thing starts to melt. So there I was, playing with my inanimate figure skaters, watching them slide all over the place, when I noticed something strange.

There were drops of red fluid on the surface of the ice.

Now, sometimes, when I’m tired, I get as dumb as a block of cheese. So I looked at the ceiling. Hopefully no more than one or two of you have ever been to my house. Hopefully. If you have, you’d know that the bathroom is right above the kitchen. But of course, there wasn’t any red liquid dripping from my bathroom. I decided that they were just blotches of red food coloring, and got back to my project.

But not five minutes later, there was more red crap. And this time, it was on the ice cubes. Confused, but also exhausted, I sat there on my chair, and stared at the red blotches all over my beautiful project.

And then, I looked at my hand. It was as red as my face was with anger when I realized that my fingers, along with my entire project, were covered in blood from a cut on my nuckle.

This is a humor blog, right? So why the hell is Ben writing a freakin’ horror story? Well guess what. You’re the one who clicked on this post when you saw the damn title. By the way, here’s how to get girls: wear fingerless gloves. Trust me.