How to Get to School

Getting to school in the morning can be a hassle. Waking up, realizing you’ve slept through your alarm, and rushing to the bus stop, only to realize that it’s a Tuesday? We’ve all been there. Then walking home, going back to sleep, and waking up an hour later only to realize that there is school on Tuesdays, and that you’re just stupid? Let’s none of us pretend like that’s never happened.

So how does one do it? How does one successfully pick themselves up in the morning and (in order) eat breakfast, take a shower, brush one’s teeth, lock the front door, walk to the bus stop, get on the bus, arrive at school, put on clothes, and head to first period? I’m not going to pretend I have all the answers, I’m nothing special. But I do have a few useful strategies.

Strategy 1: Hot Air Balloon
If you haven’t heard of the good old Hot Air Balloon trick, I don’t know what planet you’ve been living on for the past decade. The Hot Air Balloon is a hoodwink popular in California and Kansas, and parts of southern India. For this trick, you will need a pair of scissors, a candy bar, and a hot air balloon. Here’s how it’s done: when you wake up late, take your sweet time getting ready for school; for this trick, the more time you waste, the better it will work. Once you’re prepared, grab your scissors and hop in your hot air balloon. Fly above one of the clearest areas on campus, preferably in an area where lots of people will be able to watch your landing. When you’re ready, cut a hole in your balloon, and slowly begin your descent. During this time, it’s important that you stay locked in eye contact with someone on the ground; preferably a teacher. This will assure that you’re given recognition when it is reported to the office. Once you’ve reached an altitude of 100 feet, give or take, jump out of your balloon. Trust me, you’ll be fine. When you land, you’ll likely be taken to a nearby hospital. Most schools’ policies on being late excuse only two things: medical and family emergencies (we’ll be taking advantage of family emergencies in Strategy 2).
Note: if this trick didn’t work, it’s probably because you forgot the candy bar. Next time, remember the candy bar. It’s very important.

Strategy 2: The Butler Did It
The Butler Did It proves an easy alternative to the Hot Air Balloon, if you’re afraid of flying or heights. To perform The Butler Did It, you will need three things: a family member, a weapon of your choosing, and one of your butlers. If you don’t have a favorite weapon, I recommend style. After all, looks can kill. Exhibit A: your’s truly. If you don’t have a family member, please refer to the official documentation for some alternatives. If you don’t have a butler…who am I kidding? Everyone has a butler. Anyway, there are multiple styles to this trick, but the simplest path is to just to brutally murder your family member, and blame it on the butler. Teachers will simply eat this up, and you’ll be the talk of the town for weeks. You might even make national news if you’re lucky!
Note: Ben de Plume or any of his employees cannot be held responsible for the death of any animals within the borders of Kansas City.

Strategy 3: Just, Like, Show Up Late
This is the most likely solution to waking up late and not knowing how you’re going to make it to school on time. If you show up late, worst case scenario, you burn in hell for your sins. There’s really no shame in it. It also tends to be the case that if you are late for school, you can pretend that you went to the wrong school by accident, and that you sat in a math class across town for twenty minutes before realizing it.

I hope you’ve enjoyed these tips and tricks. Stay tuned for more amazing life hax by Ben de Plume.


How to Make Bread

Usually, when I need bread, I go to the market and buy some. However, this is often expensive. When it comes to bread, it’s sometimes better to just go simple and make it yourself. Here are the steps necessary for making a good loaf of bread.

  1. Find a place with adequate soil and full sunlight. A good place to look is Northern Italy.
  2. Get some wheat seeds. It’s often easier to buy seeds, but I recommend getting your own. Go find a meadow, and selectively breed some grasses until you’re satisfied with the result. The finished product should be tall and yellow.
  3. Buy mules.
  4. Feed your mules. Go back to the meadow where you found that grass, and feed your animals. It’s important to keep your mules happy, or they might not plow your field.
  5. Now you’re ready to plow your field. Hook your mules up to a little cart with some rakes dragging behind it, and make them walk. If you want to look cool, you can even build a little chariot for yourself, and you can stand there and play on your phone while your mules plow your land.
  6. Find some farmers for hire. Farmers can be found on craigslist, as well as in New England.
  7. Plant your wheat! For best result, plant some winter wheat six to eight weeks before the soil freezes.
  8. Wait a while. While you wait, it’s important that you sleep and eat. For breakfasts, I recommend toast and butter. For lunch, a sandwich will suffice, and for dinner, perhaps some steak with a buttered baguette.
  9. Build a barn. This is important for storing ingredients come harvest. Some nice colors for barns are red, white and, on occasion, light green.
  10. Reap what you sow! When harvest season finally arrives, get your farmers out on the field, and pick that wheat! Place it in your barn.
  11. Grind the wheat. The finished product should be a white powder. Make sure you supervise this process – farmers often get lazy when it comes to the mortar and pestle.
  12. Buy some cows. This is essential for butter. Nice cows are brown and white or black and white. If your cows have stripes you’ve done something wrong.
  13. Milk your cows. Make sure their udders don’t get infected!
  14. Make butter. This is a simple process that everyone understands. If you’re unfamiliar with the process of making butter, learn that first, then come back.
  15. Now comes the fun part. Make a trip to Brazil, and find some sugarcane. Good sugarcane is either green or brown. It usually looks like a plant.
  16. Extract the syrup from the sugarcane. This is easily done by simply chewing the sticks until something sweet comes out. Put this in a bucket.
  17. Find a salt mine and get some salt. Salt mines can be found in the Midwest United States.
  18. Mix it all in a bowl. If you aren’t sure what a bowl looks like, you can find some pictures of bowls here. 
  19. Build an oven, and put the bread inside it. If you can’t figure out how to heat it up, another option is breathing on the bread until it bakes.
  20. Et voila! There’s your bread! Make sure you don’t share it with the farmers. When you’re done with your cows, they can usually be traded for some magic beans. Mules are needed on the cast of Shrek. However, the field and barn are just racking up taxes you don’t need, so it’s often a good idea to blow it all up so that there’s no land anymore.

If the result isn’t satisfactory, it’s probably because you didn’t add the yeast. Yeast is super important. If you aren’t familiar with yeast, it’s basic chemical principals, and where and how to acquire yeast, please learn that and then redo these steps. You act as if it’s my fault, but any good baker knows you can’t make bread without yeast.

Fan Art Competition!

Hello all! I am excited to announce the first…annual? No, monthly, fan art competition! Now that has reached over 9 billion viewers worldwide, it’s clear to the administrators of this blog that a fan art competition would boost viewership across the globe, and I thought, well, I guess I’ll have some cool drawings and stuff to frame, so there you have it. Fan art competition.

Send submissions to (it’s an alias) or just hand them to me at school (except I don’t go to school, I dropped out to pursue heavyweight lifting). Submissions are due a week from today (January 5th, 1984).

Looking forward to seeing your beautiful art!

~ Ben de Plume

P.S. Oh, wait, did I mention that the winner will get $10 off on an EXCLUSIVE $20 Ben de Plume t-shirt!?

A Change of Pace

As you all know, I mostly write stuff that’s funny. Sometimes what I write is intended to be funny but it is by no means funny. Today, I will attempt to not be funny (is the repetition bothering you yet?), and instead, I will make you shake with terror. Yes, Ben de Plume is going to write a horror story.

The year is 1968. The exact date is unknown, but it is most likely February 18th. No, wait, it wasn’t the 18th. The 18th was the day that that weird looking ghost came into town and killed that family. It was the 22nd. Yes, that’s right. The 22nd. Never mind, the story takes place on the 22nd of February. The setting is a grassy hill, 16,000 feet above sea level in the country of Peru. Despite the coming nightfall, upon the hill grazed three llamas. They have llamas in Peru, right? Yeah, that’s the place they have them. They have them in America too but mostly in zoos and laundromats. 

Nearby sat a young couple, Timothy and Lisa. They sat and ate their turkey sandwiches and surveyed the llamas. It was either turkey or ham. What? No, it’s not important to the story. Not at all. It’s called being descriptive. I think. The llamas continued to eat their grass, and the couple continued to watch the llamas continue to eat their grass while continuing to eat their turkey (or ham, I’m still not sure) sandwiches. Lisa turned to Tim and kissed his cheek gently. She whispered, “Those three llamas are absolutely beautiful,” then they began to talk that sugary crap that couples talk. I think that’s what they do. Shoot me an email if I’m wrong.

Once they had finished the thing that they proceeded to do on the grassy hill in Peru, which I probably shouldn’t name here, they sat up from the ground and looked back in the direction of the llamas. “Lisa, weren’t there three llamas before we did it?” said Tim. Shoot. Now you know what they were doing on the grassy hill in Peru. Hold on, how did I even know what they were doing? Whatever, it’s fiction anyway. Wait a minute, I don’t think you’re supposed to tell people that when you’re telling a horror story. It’s like telling a patient that one of the possible side effects of a medication you’ve just prescribed them is certain death. It ruins the suspense! 

“Oh gosh, Tim…where’s the third llama? I don’t see him anywhere. Maybe he went behind that other hill over there and we just can’t see him?”

“Lisa, turn around…very slowly.”

Simultaneously, the couple turned around. The theme music to “Psycho” should be playing in your head right now. You don’t know what it sounds like? Okay, fine, I’ll do it for you. Rhee! Rhee! Rhee! Rhee!

There was the llama, right before their eyes. They couldn’t believe what it was doing. It was…oh gosh this is making even me want to sleep with the lights on tonight…it was still eating grass.


Life of Ben

A friend just told me that that lady Kristine…Katherine…what's her name again? Kylie, that's what it is. Anyway, she got her own show called "Life of Kylie." I thought she already had her own show called "The Entire Internet." I mean, you can't look anywhere without hearing about these people's expensive bathing suits and sex lives. But everyone has problems, right? Of course. However, while we have problems like "My car just ran out of gas in the middle of the desert and I need to take a massive dump," these people have problems like "No pizza for Kim: Reality TV star makes a late-night run to Manny's Pizzeria but arrives to find it's closed." That's a real quote from Daily Mail. Some people can't afford to order Domino's, and these people make national news for that? Come on, America.

I need my own show. If you disagree, go read every other post on this blog. When you're finished, you'll know that I deserve to be out there, soaking up the spotlight. If I had a reality show, I would let the world know that some people on TV actually do take dumps. I would show the people that some celebs-in-the-media's lives don't focus on fashion, and are actually more focused on getting into a good college. Tell your friends who long to see a person like themselves on Netflix! Tell your fat dad who watches football all day! Tell your mom who reads magazines about these people while she gets her hair dyed! Tell them, Ben de Plume needs a reality show. Also, feel free to tell the people at Netflix, Amazon Instant Video, and, why not, throw Hulu into the mix. They deserve to have an original show as good as my life. On second thought, is good the right word? I'm gonna order a pizza.

Just One Skittle!

"Write about the rage and heartbreak of losing a Skittle to a trusted friend."

This was what my survey told me to do. Before I begin, though, I have a few questions.

  1. How many Skittles did you have left?
  2. What color was the skittle? If it was red, there's an issue. If not, who gives a damn.
  3. How much do you weigh? All I'm saying is maybe it was a blessing in disguise.

An hour later…

I just received an anonymous response to these questions. There were 2 skittles left, it was red, and the dude weighs 85 lbs. I'm assuming it's a guy. There's a 51% chance I'm wrong, but, being the daredevil that I am, I'm choosing to go against the odds. Either way, they're pretty skinny. They need every skittle they can get. I mean, was the thief considering his victim's physical health?

I'll tell ya, loss is painful. Some of us might choose to put it out of our minds, some might choose to sulk in a corner for hours, and some might choose to wildly attack the Skittle-snatching scoundrel with a broom and an open knife. My general preference is the latter, but in this case I might go with option two, just to make the thief feel really goddamned guilty for stealing one Skittle. I think that'd be pretty funny. Just picture the look of remorse on their face.


“What superpower would you have?”

This question always tricks me into thinking I have a goddamned choice. It’s not like I’m gonna say “Flying!” and the heavens are going to bestow upon me the power of flight. Nope, I’m gonna be the exact same, bland, boring human being after I answer the question. So why not have some fun? What is the most random, useless, ludicrous power I can think off? Well, I am Ben de Plume, the boy with the infinitely useless imagination, so, of course, I have the answer. It’s the power to know the exact proximity of the nearest cement mixing truck.

There is no use for this power. It’s not even a little bit cool! I mean, even the power to make Advil levitate is at least a little bit interesting. Can knowing the proximity of the nearest cement mixing truck even be called a superpower? It’s more like a strange…ability, I guess I’d call it.

“Would you even want that power? Like, if the heavens were like, ‘bro, how would you like to be able to tell exactly how close the nearest cement mixing truck is anytime you want?’ Would you, like, take it, bro?”

My initial reaction was yes, my reasoning being that I might be able to win a few bets or something. Then I realized that nobody is going to bet on cement trucks anyway. It might be fun for an afternoon, but…wait a minute. It could make a good movie ending. Like, they have the bad guys trapped but they need a cement truck to pour cement on them so they can’t escape…Call the Marvel people, I have an idea for a new Avenger!